Forgive only yourself

I'll never understand people, and perhaps that's my own doing.
Ever laid alone at night wondering if you're a good person?, I do, a lot. I'm not a BAD PERSON, you know the type who hurts others, bullies, murderers, pedophiles. Those sort of people. Yet I'm not a good person either, I don't go out my own way to talk to others, I don't say sorry unless I really mean it, I don't keep in touch, I don't start a conversation, I'm not a good person. I'm in limbo. I've certainly lied and cheated in my time, stole a few things, laughed at a few misfortunes, spat nasty words, but does that make me a bad person?
If someone hurts me I do either one of two things

1) I shut myself out to them, don't talk, don't even attempt to make contact, I erase them from my conscious mind and life

2) I'll ponder on what I did, I'll ask every question possible, I'll demand a answer. But I don't ask them, I ask myself. A knee deep discussion with myself and moi.


I have a few friends who have been badly hurt, I don't pity their pain, more their stupidity.
I would never forgive a back stabber, a pain causes, a betrayer
I will never forgive the betrayer

The real question is, is that normal? Perhaps not you'll say, to me, yes.
You see I'm terrified of rejection, all my childhood I knew I was different, I had a fire in me, something which left me wanting more, a high ego met with the chimes and taunts of pre puberty children. 'Kids are cruel' they told me. I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I act the way I do, I don't really think there is a root cause. I wouldn't say I'm miserable. I'm a realist, I see things as they really are, not everything makes me sad, but not everything makes me happy either.

I could never forgive, people say it's tiring holding grudges, I don't believe I'm holding grudges, in fact is is beyond easy to not let back into your life something which will only destroy you more.

Keep yourself save, keep yourself protected.